Square Enix Reveals Final Fantasy Fashion Collection That’s Just Zippers

TOKYO— Square Enix has unveiled its first-ever actual fashion collection, and early reports have confirmed that it’s mostly just zippers.

“Oh wow, look at that, such a gorgeous design,” remarked a viewer of the exhibit, looking at a pile of loose zippers that were prominently displayed. “Square Enix, and especially Tetsuya Nomura, understand that most fashions are boring, and where things intersect is where the magic happens. Belts, zippers, those are the only parts of fashion that deserve serious consideration. I’m so glad I can soon spend half an hour compressing myself in the morning like all my favorites Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts characters.”

Some players in attendance were confused by the nature of the event.

“I like Final Fantasy and bullshit like that, but I guess I didn’t realize what was going on here,” a confused viewer said. “I thought we’d see some cool dresses or battle armor or something. But a woman just walked out onto the runway wearing nothing but zippers and everyone’s acting like it’s normal. This isn’t is not normal. It’s way too many zippers.

Renowned character designer Tetsuya Nomura has defended his persistence in zippers and belts.

“People love this shit, what can I say,” he said. “Donald Duck was an endearing, beautifully drawn character, but you know what was missing? A fucking long zipper running all over his hat, you know what I mean?

As of press time, the fashion show had come to a halt as several models were taking an inexplicably long time in the bathroom.

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